Discover magazine’s “Bad Astronomer” Phil Plait has assembled some kind of cockamamie list of Ten Ways the World Will End. I liked it, despite it’s glaring oversight concerning other entirely possible scenarios in which the world comes to a horrible and terrifying end. Most of these Phil Plait lists in his table are pretty far off, and I gotta admit, they are not really all that imminent or scary. By his highly scientific account, we should technically have nothing to be afraid of.
But after consulting a few of my “sources” I have uncovered a few other, more likely scenarios in which the end of days could come to be. The following list was assembled by our brightest minds working in close conjunction with scientists from “Fortean Fortress Earth” and demonstrates that indeed we do, as humans, have quite a bit to be afraid for.
| EVENT | DAMAGE | ODDS OF FATALITY PER LIFETIME | PREVENTABLE? |
|---|---|---|---|
| All remaining "shards" found, globe of domination reassembled | All of humanity enslaved and worked to death and starvation | Pretty Unlikely | Only if the secret of the shards remains hidden by the mists of Xüüa’aall |
| Genetically engineered fruits and vegetables super-evolve and form roving carnivorous gangs with unquenchable thirst for human blood | In Russia, potato eats you | Already happening | Some scientists believe this particular thread of causality was set upon an irreversible course long before humans even knew what “dna” was |
| 10,000 year planet Marduk passes so close to Earth that it’s gravitational pull strips off Earth’s atmosphere | Earth rendered inhabitable for another million years. All human life cooked to a crisp | There’s a slim chance it won’t happen | *if globe of domination is reassembled and activated, a gravitational field generated by the globe would deflect Marduk, but human race would be enslaved and worked to death regardless |
| Subterranean Lizard race from beneath hollow Earth attack surface race and eat their faces off | 3d6+STR modifier – on critical hit, entire human race rendered faceless and horribly disfigured | You think I am joking now | if we pay homage to the lizard race from beneath the hollow earth, this may be averted. However, a proper homage includes releasing horrible toxic pollutants and melted plastic into the oceans, which would likely cause eventual human extinction anyways |
| The guys at CERN running the LHC open a wormhole to a parallel universe where household appliances are sentient, ferocious beings intent on "processing" all "soft matter" | Human race moulied, toasted, steeped, and grilled to death with 1/3 the fat without sacrificing the flavor | Pretty likely | If you have a suit of heat-resistant teflon body armor you might survive a day or two, at the most. Other than that, it is pretty much hopeless. |
